everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
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