I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
doooooooo herrrrrrrrr
I'm out of practice. be my yoda
put your penis in her you must.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
