Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
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