it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Randomize
