apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
the new term for farting is butt boxing.
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
It's like the water temple from zelda. but with more tits.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
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