She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
