I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
I just heard these 2 kids from flint and Detroit arguing over whose economy is worse... It's really sad what passes for competition in Michigan these days
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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