At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Randomize
