Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
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