i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
Randomize