my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
Randomize
