Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
Randomize
