Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
Randomize
