Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Randomize