I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
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