yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
