finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
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