the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
