You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
Randomize
