TYLER... glimpse of last night: leather chaps, guacamole dip, a jump rope, spray paint, and rhinestone studded pajamas.
i think you have the wrong number... but your story sounds delightful.
Actions speak louder than words. Her actions scream crazy.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Randomize
