She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
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