Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
Randomize
