i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Randomize
