I accidentally had phone sex last night
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
