she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
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