I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
