The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Randomize
