I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
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