You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
Randomize
