A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
