I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Randomize
