thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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