Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
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