I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
Randomize
