After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
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