Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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