i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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