Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
Randomize
