Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
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