so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
so exactly what is concert sex etiquette? Before, during or after???
all of the above
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
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