I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
Randomize
