there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
Randomize
