When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
Randomize
