did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize
