So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
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