I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
