Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
Randomize
