he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
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