I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
