Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
I see more hoeing in ur future
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