I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
