I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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