I cannot find my penis.
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
Randomize
