i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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