Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Randomize
