Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
