After last night, I could never be a politician.
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Randomize