I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Randomize
