So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
Randomize
