i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
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